After 14 days of this oh-so-delightful detox program, I have received unexpected enlightenment.  This goes beyond the typical intestinal clarity and exploration of self-will.  I am now enlightened as to the trials and fortitude of women-who-diet. 

There should be a special place in heaven for women-who-diet.  I honestly have to admit that I have never been one of them, being naturally thin and weighing the same whether I eat enchiladas or spinach salad.  Yes, I like to eat healthy and exercise but I sure don’t stick to it like a leech.  My body likes to be 133 pounds.  Even on this detox with a 40% calorie count reduction (certainly no enchiladas), I lost 4 pounds almost overnight, then my body adjusted and went right back to 133.  Good for me I guess, but what about someone who’s natural body weight is 176?  Does that mean that whatever they do, their body just adjusts itself back to the same weight?  Do they constantly have to do some kind of food shock therapy to trick their body into continuing and maintaining weight loss.  Let’s just say that sucks.

So this detox has put an end to not being grateful for what I have been blessed with.  It has also put an end to judgment of those who struggle with weight loss.  No more of this, “If they would only give up donuts” tape that my brain used to go on autopilot with. 

I recently attended a fabulously outfitted Container Store grand opening party.  Never turn down an opportunity to go to one of these.  Endless mojitos, baby cheeseburgers, sushi, miniature to-die-for desserts, and on and on.  Most of which I couldn’t eat (or drink).  Even the vegetables were wrapped in forbidden prosciutto or stuffed with anti-detox cheese.  I walked around for hours skillfully stripping hors devours of anything resembling vegetables, fruit or fish but certainly did not get a party fix in this department.  I eventually left the party with two confiscated heirloom tomatoes that were actually decoration but had to serve as “dinner”.  This diet has led me to vegetable thievery. 

I have eight days left and now get cranky when I’m invited to a party.  Yesterday I considered sneaking into the hostess’ kitchen for a forkful of potato salad and I DON’T LIKE POTATO SALAD!!  Is this what women-on-a-diet have to go through?  Lusting after food they can’t have and knowing this will never end?!  I bow down to you, ladies.  You deserve a special place in heaven and may it be paved in cheesecake.  May you be served by skinny bitches like me who sit in their ivory towers and judge your lack of willpower while stuffing our faces with lasagne.   May heaven be populated with men who appreciate both your thighs and strength of character.

You are all better women than me.  Tonight there is a gourmet cupcake in my kitchen (stolen from yet another party) and it has my name on it.  Tomorrow is another day – and another vegetable.